Friday, May 20, 2011

Tomorrow Is The Rapture! It's The End Of The World!

As you know, the world ends tomorrow, May 21, 2011.


This latest date is according to interpretations of holy Biblical scripture. Again. I'm taking it seriously this time. See, I know I'm not going anywhere near Heaven even if I bought my one-way ticket long in advance. I mock God. I doubt holy scriptures. I watch horror movies and read "Satanic" books. I say naughty words, especially the "F" word when I'm pissed. I'm a feminist. I don’t submit to my husband. I had sex outside marriage. I listen to rock music. I will play Dungeons And Dragons someday soon. I write smut, which makes me look bad in God's eyes. I don't hate, condemn, or pity gays and lesbians. I don't have a problem with abortion. I laughed at Monty Python's Life Of Brian. I think Richard Dawkins and P. Z. Myers are righteous dudes.

So, since I'm not going to be called forth to the Happy Hereafter, but I know I have to do something about this monumental event. So… are you afraid your soul is going to be yanked out of your body without warning on the 21st, and you don't want to spend eternity praying, hanging out with self-righteous souls, and strumming a harp on a cloud somewhere?

Here's the answer to keep you from that horrid fate - buy my books now and read them before the Rapture! I write smut so that automatically excludes you from crossing beyond the pearly gates. Choose my four books: Feral Heat, The Haunting Of The Sandpiper InnTales Of Lust And Longing, or An Unexpected Guest. Or choose any of the numerous anthologies that include my short stories. Just go to my web site/blog and click on the links in my bar at the top of the main page. Everything you need is there: buy links, excerpts, review snippets, and blurbs.

I'm not the only one with plans for the Rapture. Get a load of this guy who posted on Craiglist:
Are you attending the rapture on May 21st, 2011? I expect to be left behind when it happens, so if you aren't going to need your worldly possessions; be they money, cars, canned food, durable goods, etc; I would gladly take them off of your hands. Serious responses only, please. And remember, time is short! You can contact me by replying to this ad. I live in Ronkonkoma, But I'm willing to travel for said goods.
And kind souls will take care Fluffy and Spot after you're gone, since according to Christianity, animals don't have souls so they don't get to join you. I would hope that more people think of their pets before leaving for The Great Beyond. Some atheists have offered After-The-Rapture pet care, and Christians are actually using these services! They aren't cheap. One service costs $135 per pet plus an average of $20 per additional pet. Pets covered include cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, and small caged animals. Other sites offer care for animals like horses, camels, llamas, and donkeys. So far this one place has 250 customers, and those slated to care for pets and other animals after the Rapture are, of course, atheist as well. Wouldn't do for the new pet carers to be called to Jesus after agreeing to care for the animals, would it?

Then there's this amusing story that appears on Snopes:
ARKANSAS CITY (AP) A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everett Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said.
She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said , "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
Anyway, if you are thrilled about leaving this world for the Great Hereafter, at least you have organizations that will adopt out your pets. And if you don't want to participate in the rapture, read my smutty books! That way, you'll be added to God's No Fly List. J

Books By Elizabeth Black:


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