Monday, January 13, 2014

Top 17 Ways To Ensure I'll Never Accept Your Facebook Friendship

I'm sure I'm speaking for lots of people when I say Facebook is a pain in the ass.

You have little privacy. Facebook changes its rules every five minutes without telling anyone so we have to figure out what to do to protect ourselves on our own. Now you have to pay money for more friends to see your updates. Photos of men kissing or mothers breastfeeding are banned as inappropriate or pornographic whilst videos of beheadings and animal torture stay up as free speech. Erotic romance writers have seen their book covers tagged as pornographic. You can be put in Facebook jail for a week or longer for inviting new people to friend you or for accidentally hitting the "no" button when you do friend someone and Facebook asks if you know that person.

That said, Facebook is still better than places like that ghost town Google+. You know what they say about Google+…

Despite all of Facebook's problems - and there are plenty - I get quite a bit of good use from it as a writer. I find calls for submissions in various Facebook groups. My readers find me there. I'm able to reach a broad audience. I enjoy hanging out with other writers, readers, editors, and publishers. I also am delighted when I make new writer and reader friends, especially when we've discovered each other on another's timeline or in a group.

However, I do have my limits. There are certain people I will never friend on Facebook. Here are 17 top examples. Do any of this, and you will find yourself in my "nuke" bin.

1. "Hello I'm sorry to bother you but you are so beautiful I would like to know if you would like to get to know me better for friendship and possibly more."

2. Don't even introduce yourself or say hello but message me to tell me about your Kickstarter campaign and then beg me for money.

3. Dear Ms. Black, you have won $1,000,000,000 in the Russian Lottery! To accept payment, please send your banking information and a deposit will be sent to you as soon as possible.

4. E. A. Black, you too can have a larger penis! (E. A. Black is my other pen name. I use that one for dark fiction and horror.)

5. "I know where you live. I'm your greatest fan!"

6. "I'm a writer, too! Please read and review my book." (You attached it. Without offering to do the same for me. Even if you did, I probably wouldn't accept.)

7. "I saw your Facebook page. Would you like to submit a story to our web site? Of course, we can't pay you, but you'll get exposure!" (Gag me.)

8. "I see you're a writer. Are you interested in a week-long blog tour for only $700?"

9. "I see you write erotic stories. I like female domination, spanking, humiliation, electro-sex, and furries. I wanna be your slave. Wanna meet up?"

10. "You must accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or you will be damned to Hell for eternity! I am only looking out for your soul. Jesus loves you. Obama is the anti-Christ. Please repent before it is too late."

11. "Hi! You're in my jury pool. I'm on trial for murder. Wanna be friends?"

12. Mom, if you knew what I posted on my Facebook page you'd die of a heart attack. LOL

13. If you have no profile picture, no friends, and no posts or very few vague posts, I won't friend you. You'll have to stalk me some other way.

14. "You're friends with [well-known writer]. Could you introduce us?"

15. If your profile picture is of your boobs or your dick, I won't friend you. If your wall is full of hard core porn, I won't friend you.

16. In middle school, you used to write on me with blue Magic Markers, snap my bra strap, pick me last for softball, and make braying noises when I walked by in the hallway. Why on earth would I want to friend you now? Yes, Mrs. Naugahyde said you only did that stuff because you had a crush on me, but I thought she was nuts. If that's how you act when you like me, how the heck would you act when you hate me?

17. You're a guy whose posts are written in a language I do not understand, and all your friends are women. Taking selfies. With duck face. Dressed in skimpy bikinis. Holding kittens. Nope. No thank you.

Oh, don't let me forget the cats. Facebook (and the internet) would not be complete without cats. I approve. :)


  1. Hahaha. Laughing my arse off here, totally buttless I am!!

    Been there, done that. Could add a few, but you've covered some I hadn't thought of. Yowzer, great blog post. :-D

  2. Thanks, Erin! It's amazing the freaks you run across on social media, especially Facebook. :D

  3. LOL wow really please tell me that number 9 and 11 you really didnt get?

  4. I did get number 9. I didn't get number 11. LOL

  5. Omg! Love this! Thanks, Elizabeth, needed that howling laughter. :D

    Lady G

  6. I get #13 a lot! On both personal and author profiles. What's creepy is when their profile picture and cover picture of a baby... and they don't have kids. Then you tell them that it's creepy, and they just change it to a different baby. At that point, I report them, yet Facebook doesn't pay attention to the seriously creepy reports, yet they're Facebook-jail-happy with trivial ones. That grinds my gears, it really does.
    I can really appreciate this, though. And laugh at the phrasing of the rest!!

  7. Phoenix, I've never run into the baby thing but it sure sounds creepy. I've had people create fake profiles and stalk my timeline when I've had contests. I don't appreciate being gamed. And I hear you on Facebook's hypocritical standards when it comes to Facebook jail. Glad you liked my post.