It's Steak And BJ Day!

EB's note: This article originally appeared at Sexis Magazine.

Believe it or not, there is actually a holiday called Steak and BJ Day, which is the dudebro’s answer to Valentine's Day. This “holiday” has been around since 2002, and I missed out on all the fun. Or, should I say, my husband has missed out. He’s miffed at all the blowjobs he’s missed since 2002. If he thinks I'm giving him eight blowjobs this year on that day, he’s got something else coming.

It's obvious what the gist of the holiday is, but in case you are totally dense here’s the blurb about the day from the Steak And B.J. Day web site.

You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I’ll let you in on a little secret; guys really don’t enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That’s right, there’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

First off, I call bullshit. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be reciprocal. Besides, what kind of guy doesn’t like doing something special for his honey? Valentine’s Day isn’t a zero-sum game where she gets all the fun and he whines that he wants a day that concentrates on his needs.

But I digress. Why not consider Steak And BJ Day another holiday for reciprocal fun?

Since Valentine's Day is February 14, it’s only natural that Steak And BJ Day would be March 14. And you know what makes that day extra special for me?

It’s my birthday.

Of course, I suggested celebrating this dudebro’s day with my husband and he was game for it. So I get the chocolates, roses, and lobster for my own special day—and he gets steak and a blowjob from me. Surf and turf with sex thrown in. What’s not to love?

Then again, I celebrate my birthday all month. Too bad it’s not Steak And BJ Month. Sucks to be you, dude.

I have a history when it comes to unusual BJs. Ever hear of the Altoids Mints blowjob? The myth goes that chewing on a few Altoid peppermint breath mints makes BJs even more exciting. I gave one to my husband but I wasn't sure how many Altoids to chew. When I went down on him, after a minute he howled in pain and ran to the bathroom to wash his dick off with cold water. I had chewed so many mints his dick was on fire. Here was our conversation:

“My God, it burns. A lot. How many Altoids did you eat?”

“Uh... Fifteen.”

“Fifteen???”

It turns out three would have been just fine. So I promised him an Altoids mints BJ for Steak And BJ Day as long as I chewed only three mints. No five-alarm fires this year.

So, all I had to do this past March 14^th was feed him his medium-rare porterhouse and end the evening with the best hummer on earth. That’s all he wanted. No gifts. No flowers. No chocolates. No shows. No cards. Still, if you insist on getting your man a card, you’re unlikely to find one from Hallmark. The Steak and BJ Day web site, on the other hand, has fifteen different cards for you to choose from with sweet, romantic sayings like this:

It’s March 14^th

And you know what that means

I’ll gobble your knob

And juggle your beans.

Now eat your steak

Like a good chum.

And when you’re all finished

I’ll swallow your cum!

Trust me, he’ll appreciate the sentiment. News flash: While guys like receiving cards, they don’t like giving them. Too much pressure!  Just know he’ll be touched at your card, but he wants to be touched in that other special way even more, so get to work!

Celebrate this made-up holiday with your honey for fun and give him a BJ that he will never forget. Just don’t use too many Altoids mints or he’ll catch on fire. Happy Steak And BJ Day!