Think about these two scenarios.
Victoria is in her early thirties and has bedded ten men.
Jake is in his early thirties and has had bedded ten women.
Why would many people consider Victoria a slut yet consider Jake a stud? There has long been a double standard regarding men vs. women and their number of sexual partners. Even if a woman is either a virgin or has never had many lovers, if she looks a certain way – as in wearing sexy clothes or wearing too much makeup – or if she flirts too much, people assume she's easy pickings. If a woman is blunt and free about her sexuality, too many men also assume she'll sleep with them. Just because a woman likes sex and openly talks about it or flaunts her looks doesn't mean she puts out to any guy who expects it.
When I was in college I ran into this double standard quite often. I was not promiscuous but I dressed in a sexy manner, flirted, and wore stage makeup every day. It was the only way I knew how to put it on because the first makeup I ever wore was stage makeup. So plenty of guys – and women – thought I'd put out. I didn't. In fact, I was looking for a steady boyfriend but I couldn't find one who didn't want to get in my pants on the first or second date. I was for the most part unattached so I was seen as a threat to my female friends, although I had no intention of stealing their boyfriends. Those guys didn't interest me and I wouldn't do that to my girlfriends. Still, because of the way I looked and how friendly I was, I was seen as a slut. One guy of my acquaintance had lots of female sex partners and he never ran into that kind of judgmental attitude.
Catherine Stone, the protagonist of my novel Don't Call Me Baby, runs into this attitude on a daily basis. Some women feel threatened by her. Some men take her for granted or assume she'll have sex with them because she's so open and honest about her interest in sex and interpersonal relationships. She's searching for love just like anyone else would. Judging her – and any woman – by the number of sex partners she's had is unfair and a double standard since if she were male she'd likely not be judged in such a manner.
Don't Call Me Baby is for sale at online bookstores now! Pick up your copy today. More details below.
Don't Call Me Baby
By: Elizabeth Black
Published By: Naughty Nights Press (NNP)
Genre: Contemporary Erotic Romance
Published: Sep 30, 2011
ISBN # 9780987689450
Word Count: 156,698
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DON'T CALL ME BABY is a fast-paced, quick-witted, sexy, novel about a young woman exploring her sexuality and the cultural morés she collides with on a daily basis.
It's 1983 in Maryland and Catherine Stone is sex on wheels. She plays the field the way men have done for aeons. Not content to strive for her MRS degree like so many young women her age, she seduces men of all stripes – married college professors, theatre students, virgins, complete strangers who intrigue her. She has already cost one man his job.
She asks herself lots of questions on her search to enjoy her sexuality. Why don't other women enjoy their sex as much as she does? Why do so many women and men look down on sexually free women, calling them sluts while sexually free men are called studs and Lotharios? She bucks at the double standards! Catherine has made no commitment to any man. She's free to explore and she gladly does so. No man can tie her down and no woman's judgment will stop her from playing the field to her heart's content.
Does she meet her match in a new man who introduces her to sexual bliss she had never before experienced? When she tries multiple partners and bondage for the first time as a submissive, she believes she's found the sexual bliss she is looking for – and with a man who not only introduces her to the fineries in life but also cares about her like no man ever has before.
Oh, nice theme! I'm glad to see someone writing about this. I encountered this sentiment online not too long ago--"If a key can open any lock, it's an excellent key. But if a lock can be opened by any key, it's a crappy lock." Made me so mad I could just spit.
ReplyDeleteSEX by definition is TWO STANDARDS that mate. There are advantages and disadvantages to each sex. For women, obtaining sex is one of the easiest things to accomplish in the world, for men, it is one of the most difficult challenging things to accomplish in all of life, so much so that some men go their entire lives without ever having sex. Each is judged on what is the most difficult, resisting for women, obtaining for men. A woman that is "harder to obtain" is more "sexually valuable" for the same reason a diamond is more valuable than a river pebble, they are more rare and "harder to obtain". That's why the saying "A key that opens one hundred locks is a Master Key, a lock that is opened by one hundred keys is just a crappy lock" is completely true. It is completely pointless to whine about this, why not concentrate on the double standards that are in your favor, like the ability to never have a job, surviving only on appearance, or that dates are more often free, or that doors are opened for you from the desire to take care of you, or the fact that women are the "beautiful" sex. How about the fact that you will not be looked down upon if you don't voluntarily risk your life to protect a woman or your country, men are EXPECTED to DIE. I think if you look around, you will find the vast majority of double standards are in your favor. Double standards are a GOOD thing, because if they didn't exist sex would not exist.
ReplyDeleteI think men want women to believe the lie that having limited sexual experience is a good thing for women because it makes them special. And if a woman has multiple sexual partners then they no longer have value. What an insulting view of women and their sexuality. Having sex with 10 or 20 different men over the course of a lifetime makes a woman no less valuable. It makes them experienced and then they have the ability to know what they like.
ReplyDeleteWhen men settle down and get married to their valuable little virgin then get bored in 2 to 3 years because she won't try different things in the bed they show no value to their spouse and they have an affair. So the woman who has been fed the lie that only her virginity makes her valuable will lose her husband to a woman who knows how to make him happy in bed. What a crappy double standard to live by.
No, women shouldn't have sex just to have sex but neither should men. There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and learning to love. Men have proven that virginity isn't valuable because they have affairs. It's just another way for men to "keep women in their place" and rule over them.
Life is so much easier if you don't have to think. Just accept stereotypes and generalizations and have another drink. "All women are X," "All Italians are Y," "All accountants are Z." See? So easy. It has the added advantage of completely avoiding any connection, any intimacy, any sharing, thus protecting the soft inner core that does not measure up to the appropriate stereotype. No worries about "fitting in" either. Safe. Secure. Easy.
ReplyDeleteTechnogeist: "It is completely pointless to whine about this, why not concentrate on the double standards that are in your favor, like the ability to never have a job, surviving only on appearance, or that dates are more often free, or that doors are opened for you from the desire to take care of you, or the fact that women are the "beautiful" sex. "
ReplyDeleteThat made me laugh because it's so obviously false. It's also insulting to women. Either you haven't dated much or you're divorced. If you believe any of that is true you don't know women at all.
Sharazade, I heard a great retort to that "Master key" nonsense, but I can't remember it anymore. What amuses me is that no lock can be opened by any key. It's all about that assumption by some men that a woman who enjoys her sexuality will screw anyone, and that's not true, and that's what pisses off those guys. You know that other saying: "A woman who has sex with anyone is a slut. A woman who has sex with anyone but you is a bitch." It's the same thing again. An assumption that she'll put out for anyone who demands it because she's made it clear she's exploring her sexuality. When she won't put out when some guy demands it, he calls her a cock tease. The onus should be on him for having such a rotten attitude.
ReplyDeleteGreat comment! I like this topic too. It sure generates some interesting discussion.
Sara I guess some people feel threatened by a woman with more sexual experience than they have. There's jealousy. There's ownership - he's not the first or close to the first. She makes demands in bed so the focus isn't only on him - only a selfish lover would demand a woman's total attention to his needs in bed and ignore hers. I have always preferred lovers with experience to match mine. I've had lovers with less experience. Some were delighted to explore with me. Others felt threatened. My heroine in my novel goes through quite a bit of the questioning about her sexual past, particularly by her current lover. He's very jealous! His attitude aggravates the hell out of her and I know lots of women can identify with her.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great comment!
Pogonip, it's true some people look to stereotypes because thinking outside the box takes them far out of their comfort zone. So it's easier to call a sexually free woman a slut rather than look at their own attitudes about sex. I bet quite a bit of the judging is projection.
ReplyDeleteDon't you think a lot of this is from the male's insecurity? A virgin or inexperienced woman has no basis for comparison. If the only ice cream you've ever tasted was vanilla, you'll think vanilla ice cream is the greatest. Males tend to be competitive with each other, so having a woman who knows only them, or very few others (hopefully clumsy and inadequate) builds up the ego and is a little refuge for the male.
ReplyDeleteIf they were playing tennis, or bridge, he would want an experienced partner, but when playing sex, he wants an ignorant partner. Some do -- many men are smart enough to realize women are people, too, and it's a lot more fun when both are active participants.
Pogonip I think it's a little of what both of us said. You're right quite a bit of it is male insecurity. A man who wants a woman with no experience doesn't see her as an equal. A man who prefers an experienced tennis partner sees that partner as competitive and on equal footing. And yes, men are very competitive with each other, so such a man who prefers an inexperienced woman may want to be the best she's ever had. Such a man wouldn't be able to cope with a woman who had better lovers than he has had because he's afraid he won't measure up.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with you that it's much more fun when both are active participants and learn from each other. You can only have that when both partners are secure and on equal footing.